Wednesday, 1 May 2013

God help the guy who gets The Bitch

We all know the London Sewing Meet Up gave birth to some fabulous things: fabric indulgence, a mother of all swaps, budding friendships and a unanimous love of Lebanese food, preferably in large quantities. 

The day also used some premium diamond-studded DNA to produce an idea, albeit in its infant stages,  for the sew-along of all sew-alongs. 

Before I reveal exactly what this will entail, allow me to share a bit of background nonsense.

As a veteran of random conversations, I'm always excited to meet a soul sister or two who will indulge this loony part of me. So, enter (with full 'Stars in Your Eyes' spotlights and smoke machines) the wonderful Rehanon and Nicole

I'm not sure exactly when, it may have been in the cafe of the V&A, but at some point I began a beautiful whimsical chat with Rehanon, which took us on a magical journey into the land of the diva. A ferocious territory, it really is only ruled by a few legends. New divas come and go and try to set up a little chihuahua-infested stakehold, but they either have to sell up and move out, or they fall prey to the wicked seduction of drugs, or men who get you on drugs. It's a slippery slope. Yet, true divas are opulent warriors, with shields of lacquered hair and cleavage that will trap any man who dares to buzz around its glorious hills. They also have their portrait of Dorian Gray firmly in the attic, and ain't nobody getting hold of the key to see that painting.

Rehanon and I quickly established that one of the best divas still punching holes in the ground with her stilettos is... The Bitch a.k.a Fontaine Khaled.

Who is the Bitch? Well as the epic movie trailer says, she comes from the same stable as The Stud, and I bet that's one filthy stable! 

The Bitch is without question the ever glamorous, satin-coated, rouge chiseled, Queen of England. 

Joan Fucking Collins OBE. 

Have you ever seen Joan without a finely lacquered wig, make up that deserves its own dressing room, and shoulder pads to rival scaffolding? 

She's a legend. From Paddington, London, she's most famous for pissing everybody off in Dynasty as the badass Alexis Carrington. Forget the ex-wives club, Alexis went solo and fucked shit up. Season 1 of Dynasty got off to a ropey start with average reviews, but thanks to Sophia Loren turning down the role, Joan strapped on the XXL shoulders and was nominated six times for a Golden Globe. Go Joan. A former ABC executive said, "The truth is we didn't really believe that we had this thing done as a hit until Joan Collins walked down that courtroom aisle."

A woman who obviously knows how to get a job done and a true professional who doesn't take any shit. Actually, I bet she doesn't even shit. This face was not born to strain.

And check out young Joan. What a beauty! I love the eyeliner on this next picture. I also think I might adopt that pose when my husband tells me to stop buying fabric.

Back to the V&A and I hadn't yet met Nicole. Little did I know I was to meet another soul sister!

In the pub after the meet up, Nicole's glamorous ears perked up at the mention of a Joan sew-along. Yes, readers, a Joan Collins sew-along. Who wouldn't want to step into the realm of fantasy with some truly nasty polyester satin, some ruching (can't wait to see Rehanon's saucy day-to-night ruched affair), and 10 layers of shoulders pads? This could be serious fun. And, come Halloween there could be several Joan Collins' tricking or treating. How apt for Alexis.

Doing a quick search on eBay for patterns has me more pumped than the hair in Working Girl.

Bet Mel really cringes at that side profile. Double en chin.
(Sorry Melanie, I do love you).

Check out this pattern on eBay right now. When you make 
these dresses your hands instantly flick to a 45 degree angle. 

Enter Diva Number 2

Last night, a small group of us gathered at Drink, Shop & Do for a little goodbye to the lovely Lizzy who is flying back to Australia on Saturday. Wahhh. Such a lovely person! After a few bottles of wine, Nicole and I took our love of Joan and decided to throw in a large busty dose of the world's most awesome blonde, Dolly Parton.

This woman is a pocket sized atom of big hair, boobs and brilliant song-writing to boot. I also think she invented smiling.

Look at young Dolly. So pretty.

She is perfection, and like Joan, has stood the test of time - as have those boobies defied the calling of gravity. She must have the back muscles of an ox to carry those melons. Again, what a warrior. Beauty aside, Dolly doesn't just wear sequins like a second skin, she's also a smart savvy business woman not to mention an amazing song-writer - she's composed over 3,000 songs! She's also been married to her husband for 45 years, what an inspiration.

So, with the alcohol fueling our creative genius, Nicole and I developed the mutated giant of a Dolly and Joan double act. From now, Nicole is Joan Parton and I am Dolly Collins. Wine is a beautiful thing! Granted, this could end up like Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, but who doesn't want to aspire to be Bette Davis or Joan Crawford. However, I think this is just the start of a beautiful friendship caked in alot of gold, hairspray and red lipstick.'s the idea. A Joan/Dolly sew-along. Think big, think cheese, think huge earrings and massive hair. Think fabric that needs to order a court injunction against any kind of spark, heat or fire, think massive shoulders and stilettos. Unleash your inner diva and let the sequins shine free!

So, if you're interested in being completely ridiculous with us and joining this sew-along let us know. Maybe Joan or Dolly could pick the winner. I'm sure Joan has had worse offers in her life, and like Rehanon said, surely this is right up her alley.

Oh and if you're in any doubt about the magnificence of Joan. Just watch this trailer. (At this point I feel like I have a moral duty to warn you that boobs are exposed, sex is simulated and Joan is just outright fricking amazing - just incase you're still at work or in the presence of a young one, but whatever you do, WATCH IT and try and tell me you don't want to hit that nightclub! I won't believe it).



    That's a 'yes'.

    More sweary Dolly and Joan stuff please.

  2. hahaha! i love that i was there at the inception of dolly collins! i'm in (altho i may do young joan rather than scary shoulder pads!)

  3. Oh Wow! I am so up for this! As I child my main ambition was to be Alexis Carrington. The other kids watched Dallas but for me it was all about Dynasty. And Dolly too! Nothing like a blast of 9-5 on a grey morning drive to work to put a smile on my face, at least until I get there. Count me in!

  4. This is an amazing post! I'm so up for this, as you saw with the lame skirt last night. I'm almost hysterical with ideas!

  5. I heard the start of this idea in the pub after the swap and I am sooo up for this and even have a pattern in mind :-) woop woop

  6. I have some jewel coloured crepe satin in my stash that just has to be used! I'm more a Dolly than Joan girl, so I'll have to find a dolly pattern and use the Joan fabric I think, or just do my own thing. Dolly and Joan would do their own thing and to hell with what anyone else thought. Failing that a dress in Alexander Henry's From the Hip!

  7. Lol I heard some rumours about this.. Crazy fun idea

  8. Gah! This is making me so freaking happy. I think serendipity always meant that our diva loving minds would come together and create this level of fabulousness. I won't stop until I've sourced a diamante asp choker to adorn my Joan outfit. Look out fabric suppliers there's gonna be a run on a 100% manmade fibres that hasn't been since Charles and Di's nuptials! I can assure you that this is a sewing project that will be completed with a cocktail never far from my machine woot woot!


  9. Dear Clare, you should drink more often and come up with crazy great ideas. Officially throwing my hat into the ring to shoulder pad up!

  10. This idea is most AWESOME Miss Clare! I have been secretly craving to make something totally 80's and this gives me license to do so! The cheesier the better... the bigger shoulder pads the better... Big hair! Make-up galore. And I really want to be looking down my nose in all my photos at all my "minions." Yep- I am IN... ~Laurie xo

  11. Ooooh - I quite fancy the Dolly P option :)

    I enjoy reading your blog and I wanted to tell you that I've nominated you for a Liebster Award. Please pop over to my blog when you get a free moment to find our more about the award.

    Gemma x

    1. Oh wow, thank you so much Gemma! That is really cool and is the icing on the cake after a really nice Sunday. Will get onto this asap. Where can I get the Liebster icon for my blog?

  12. I've just come across this blog for the first time, and THIS is the first post I read. *hits the bloglovin follow button like whoa*

    I'm dying to see what you end up doing with this Diva sewalong!